my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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