I heard we made out
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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