I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
