can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
