is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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