I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
COCAINE IS GR8
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
