If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
