Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's shark week go big or go home
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
