He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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