Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
