The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
