I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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