I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
