they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
