Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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