Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
