Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
