Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
