When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
