dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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