hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
