I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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