Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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