So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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