Where did you get a picture of my penis
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he just fucked me for my cheese..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
