just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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