if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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