either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
