It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
