He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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