DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
