I think im going to throw up on grandma
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
