how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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