sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
