It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
