Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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