I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
