I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
