Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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