so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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