I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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