When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
