So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
