I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
