It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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