I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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