She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
