why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
