We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
