You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
